I've been doing a lot of thinking. I've had a lot of time, being unemployed; what time I don't spend catching up on all the television I've missed out on for the last few years I spend thinking.

I've been wondering about the life I'm leading, I guess - being out on my own. I'm here, basically alone in Portland. Derek asked me the other night whether I get lonely, and the answer is yes. Well, sort of. I don't really get lonely. I don't get homesick. I've learned that I don't really get that emotional at all.

Talking to Lisa especially, but to Rob and Derek and Ben, about family has got me thinking. And watching Arrested Development, where "family first" is the mantra of that hyper-disfunctional family. But it seems like everyone my age has a sort of bond, a connection, that must be severed, usually with difficulty, for them to make the jump to moving out and living their own lives apart from their family. I don't really have that.

I don't know if it's a result of having divorced parents, and living in so many different places, or the strange family dynamics that have presented themselves as a result of that, but I never had a hard time imagining myself moving far away from my family and starting my own life. I had friends in college who talked to, if did not visit, their families very regularly. And Lisa surely has a difficult time with the decision to move away (though her reasons are more complicated). I was struck when Ben, of all people, told me that it was difficult for him to live far from his family.

I've always thought I was a pretty emotional person. Intuitive. Introspective. But in the last year or so I've noticed that I have a marked lack of emotion about almost everything. I always thought it was cool-headedness, or something, but it seems like it's more than that. It seems like I just don't really care, and that bothers me tremendously.

Why isn't it difficult for me to be far away from my family? To contact them only when it's necessary? Maybe it's normal for young adults to want to strike out on their own, but... it seems like everyone my age at least has a difficult time with it, even if they end up at the same conclusions that I do. My family aren't bad people. They've supported me in everything. They are loving and caring and affectionate. I love them. So what's the deal?

I've always known that I'm the kind of person that would lock up feelings and try to be calm and collected about things, but I never thought it was a lack of emotionality. I'm starting to think that it is. I don't know.

1 comment:

  1. Elliott,
    It's not a lack of emotion at all. Pretty typical 21 yr old. You know I've known you since you were born. You are who you believe you are to be. You are going thru self discovery. You were and are the introspective Anne/Don child. And trust me, there is no such thing as a functional family. Your mom talks about you all the time, how proud she is of you. We all must come out the other side of our family of origin. Some take more time than others. some don't arrive. And others fall into a path of destruction. And those that seek help may arrive. If they can be honest and in touch with feelings. I think you know what I mean.
    You are doing very well, Elliott. I'm proud of you.